Letter to my Mother

Dear Ama

Today, I would like to let you know that you have been a super Mom  for me. I know we never had enough time to sit together and share our feelings. As a young girl, I always admired mom and daughter sit together and do their little gossips in movies. In such times, I always wished I had you  to talk to. However, things were different with us. We were busy in our own schedules. I was in pursue of my studies while you were busy back home with your daily chores. We were mostly in distance.

But your love has never been any lesser for me. Your care and affection always equals to what I see in those movies. I do not care if we  never have  been together for all the years gone by. I am ok if I could not share you about my first period, my weight problems and about my boyfriend issues. I know you too wished for us to be together. You were always there to understand me when I was going through my difficult times. I know no other person can understand me like you do.

I am happy that your blessings and prayers have made me the person I am today. I proudly say that I am the luckiest daughter in the World to have a mother like you.  It's a blessing to have a mother like you who taught me about patience and strength. Today I am strong enough to face the World and it is all because of you. You are a perfect epitome of an ideal women. Ama, you are my idol. Thank you for your love and care. 

I pray for you your health and strength. May God bless you always. 

I love you Ama

Your always

 Cheychey

Nyctophobia in Me.

Nyctophobia (fear of the dark)is mostly associated as a  phobia in children. I am an adult yet I still  fear the dark. I rarely confess this phobia in me. But I realized that admitting my fear can help me overcome it.

There are various situations when we encounter darkness. Case 1: It's night time, you are alone at home, reading. All of a sudden, the light goes off. You suddenly realize that you are out of candle stock. You can’t find your mobile phone.  Case 2: You are in the shower at night, the lights goes off, your mobile is in your living room. Case 3: You are walking  alone to your house at night and there is a dark place you have to cross. Case 4: You  go to store room located in the basement of your office with a urgent task. The tube light in the store room has some problem. It's dark. You have forgotten your mobile on your desk.  

I can’t sleep with my lights off. If I do, I wake up in the middle of night to find myself sweat profusely with the fear that someone is lurking in my room (I often develop an apprehension of a ghostly figure). I am a little hesitant to go out when it is dark. When I walk the dark path (even with my friends) I feel that someone is following me (A creepiness runs through my spine). I get really terrified to even  look back with the fear that I may see something horrifying. My heart rate increases, I start to sweat even in the chilliest night (I try not to admit it  to my friends).  Even when I am in group, I always prefer to walk in the middle. I choose where I want to be as walking behind my friends or by their side, gives me the feeling of an unknown presence behind/by my side. I feel protected in the middle. 

If I have just a friend with me in such situations. I hold their hands or arms. When scared, I  usually pressed their hands so hard. I know Rinchen and Tshering definitely knows my feelings when I do this. When I am alone, you can assume my condition. I find myself gasping till I reach home. Even the thought of walking alone at night gives me a chill in my nerve at the moment.

When I get into a dark room I fear what if I see someone like the one in "Grudge' horror movie. I quickly search for the switch and get back to my normal self (Confession: I can't go alone into an empty dark room, I try hard as am an adult now). 

As per once source "If your nyctophobia is severe, you may attempt to run away from dark rooms and avoid being outside at night. You might become angry or defensive if anyone tries to encourage you to spend time in the dark."(http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcome-fear-of-the-dark/). I do  that all the time. Hereby, it is confirmed that I have Nyctophobia. And it’s a severe one. 

Any dark environment gives my body a paralysis. I feel vulnerable.  My imagination further stimulates my fear and I regret for watching horror movies (Note: Now I have stopped watching any of it). I always associate night and its darkness to "Evil and Fear."

The positive point of this phobia is that I feel very close to God.  Such situations make me seek refuge in them with my true heart. I feel their presence too. I know it is good to feel close to God but it leaves me crippled most of the time. 

 I hope this confession  do me  a little  magic and elevate me of this phobia in me.

Ambition versus Reality

13th Jan, 2014

What was your ambition when you were in your pre-primary school? Did it remain the same when you reached your middle secondary or high school? Are you what you once dreamt?  If you are not than we have the same story. 

As I sit with more than 70 medical professionals: comprising of specialist, doctors, nurses, dietitians  and so on, I remember the varied ambitions with which I grew up. My ambition shifted along with different stages of my life. Some came out due to the force of  the society while others were because of my  my enthusiasm .  I aspired to become a Teacher in my pre-primary school inspired by my teachers (wanting to become like one of them). Upon reaching the middle school, I was fascinated by people in the arm force. The reason was very simple. I  loved the way they dressed smartly and always thought they were the strongest people. 

As I reached my 9th grade the whole dimension to all  my  earlier ambitions changed.  I wonder if that was simply because of the societal glorification of the health profession or out of my genuine interest. I wanted to become a Doctor. It was this phase of life where my strength to work never ceased. For the next four years, after my 9th grade, I burnt my share of midnight oil. I passed through several sleepless nights. The rate of sleeping on the floor with my books scattered was more than the actual rate of sleeping on the bed without any book. Comfort and sleep just became secondary, as I had to become what I aimed. Yet my dream came to halt. My love for biology and chemistry became futile. My career path diverted into an unknown.

As I  reached my college, I was placed into a course which I never thought earlier. By then I had lost hope in life because I had lost what I dreamt. I was left with no ambition. As a cliche goes 'a person without ambition is blind'. I was walking blind. People often  asked what I would like to become after my college, I simply replied, 'Whatever fate decides'. However,the wounds of my disappointment healed  with each passing days. When I reached my final semester, I revitalized all over again. I was once more clear of who I wanted to become in life. I wanted to join a media house: become a Reporter.

The same equation resumed once more. I never joined any media house nor became a reporter. This time I was tough enough to accept the pain of not becoming what I wanted to. I decided to become the the choice of the society. 

Oh! again, I did not tell something. When one of my teachers asked my ambition in class  three. I said 'I want to become a Singer (Don't  laugh, seriously that was my ambition).

Did you hear the saying 'God has better plan for us'. May be my future is better not becoming a doctor or a reporter. Life had its own plan for me. Of course, it hurts not becoming what I really endeavor for so long. But there is no use of moaning over what did not happen (as I expected). Life is all about accepting everything that comes our way. There is pain in losing our dreams yet time teaches us to accept that loss. 

I do not even know where I will be tomorrow. May be soon I will have another aim, another dream. Will it be achieved?I cant say.I may even leave the current post for another one.  I do not know. All I know is that at the end of the day it narrows down to the contributions we make to our society, of the difference we make to the lives of people around us. After all what is the purpose of life? 

For some people, dreams(ambition) does not necessarily turn into destiny. Sometimes,we become what has already been destined for us because that's the very right thing that happens to us.  

Coming of the END

The coming of the end is nearing. During my stay here at RIM, I had the most wonderful time yet I too had the worst of nightmares.  When one of my seniors told me that one year here would be just like a dream, I was too excited.  At times I  felt my  stay here like ages, at other times I wished my student life never come to an end. 

As a leader here, I know I have failed in some areas. I might have also failed to display the character of a perfect leader yet I tried my best. 'You cannot make everyone happy.' I heard my senior say. I know I could not impress everyone.  However, it gave me the best opportunity to learn and grow. Every day experience lead me to achieve more and   move towards attainment of maturity. It gave me the platform to know myself more.

 I was often split between my roles as a leader and the need to fulfill my own roles. So often I wished I was among the crowd, relaxed, with no worries of programs, time management of the speakers,  anxious over things not getting as planed, or not having to force people who did not want to work.

Occasionally, I wanted to lead my life my way with no roles. With no people expecting anything from me, with no judgement passed about me when I was spotted with a little drawback. After all, all humans are bound to mistakes.  But something that kept my spirit burn was being able to initiate activities, bring smiles on people, cheer the crowd and  be the voice of people. 

My cohort was the best of people I ever meet. I was able to learn from everyone. I know we have been through blues but we stood united against all the forces that affected us. Yes, we battled it well. It may not have been the best of our times here, but I always appreciate the way we supported each other.

When I will  look back after 10 years, I would not regret  to say : "those were the best people I meet in my life."

 To all my friends I would like to thank for your support.  I would cherish all our times together: our nights to booze out, several birthday celebrations, our trip to  Simtokha, another to Talakha, our campaign to Lamperi. Those were the most amazing experiences we had  together. 

I thank all people who supported me and would like to wish you all luck, success and happiness every where you go. All the best in your careers  ahead. 

The data collection phase: Challenges for an Amateur Researcher:

Research is one of the vital requirement in the fulfillment of my course this semester. Major chunk of my time is reserved for doing research. As I go through the process of research, I am faced with several challenges like any other researchers. Data collection  was one of the many  challenges in my research  process. 

I wish I had a car. I wish I do not have to walk with my high heels. I wish I knew every person working in all the ministries and organisations so that none would deny the request I make.

I walk from office to office with my questionnaires.I walk for distance, with scorching sun above me, with my stomach empty, tired and exhausted with the thought in mind that I will get a person to be interviewed. I enter an office only to find out that people in the office have left for a tour. At someone's mercy, I am asked to come the next day or other times the person I intend to met had left for a meeting. I go the next day taking my questionnaire and request the people to fill it. Some flatly reject. Other  excuse themselves in the name of tight schedule. I am asked to go to another division of the office only to get the same reply.

Few say that they do not have enough knowledge and that someone else might have better view than theirs(while I keep insisting that there is no view better or worse). I leave my questionnaire to be filled as it would take time for some people to fill it up. People suggest me to come the next day. When I come back,I find half of my questionnaire unfilled, some missing and some partially filled.  

Few of people give me  stern look despite my simplest appearance. There were even instance at one point of time where one person angrily  said (actually shouted) " how much of the data should I fill  up!" 

The attitude of that literate person upset me and made me think 'do we have enough support from society for young people to do research?' Well that is one part of the story. Of course there was good part as well. 

Some, despite their busy schedule,helped me. They understood the how essential this research is for me. My seniors who went through the same process needed no explanation. They straight away helped me leaving their work aside.

Any how, this part of the process is not an easy task.  Patience is an integral part.I needed to explain to the simplest, accept when people denied , wait them to fill it even though I was in a rush. At times, wait till a day or two to just get a paper filled. Smile, even when people have misplaced my paper.Had to maintain my cool when someone denied to respond when I made an inquiry. Wait till some one finished talking on their cell and accept when they ignored my presence. 

Sometimes I was totally frustrated. Once,I even left an office without distributing any of my questionnaires.I had never felt this disappointed. 

Conducting interview was another challenging task in my research. In the sense, getting right people to give their opinion was a challenge.  Harder was getting the right person  with knowledge on my topic.

By this I do not mean to tell  people that they need to put aside all their work to fill my questionnaire. I only wish them to be little generous and spare few minutes to just scan my questions. If they are busy, I just wish them to be little polite and say it. I wish people do  realize that its aching when they are rude. That too when we are tired and had walked the whole week for this process.
My route:
RCSC to MoAF to RTC to MoEA to GNHC to  BCMD to RENEW to NWAB to NCWC to MoLHR to  MoIC to MoH to MoE to NC office to NA office to KCD production

Thank God this process came to end soon. 

The Final Farewell

In midst of smoke under the same roof 

following those who have gone,covered with silk and scarf;

I will be alone, 

watched by the crowd, biding farewell. 

The fire that warms my body now  

will engulf my bones and  flesh, turning me into ashes and dusts. 

The air that freshens me now will blow me to be smoke and vapor.

I will be going into the  mysterious world,  unknown, unseen 

but the world much talked about. 

left will be the memories of my deeds.

My closest friends will moan. 

Strangers will see me go and show pity of my departure. 

Yet no force can stop me from leaving the world.
coz  the force of the unknown world will be the strongest;
to pull me away from the much known world.

 No matter how much I wish to stay  here, 

heedless of the want to hold me by  loved ones , 

I will have to bid  farewell .

My hard earned fame,name and wealth will be of no strength.

My body will cease and soul will depart ;

Guided by chants of  monks into the path I have never taken. 

I will be alone, scared and anxious. 

My companion will be the dark hollow space.

To the spiritual guidance I will seek my refuge

To transform me into the higher  space:

take me to take the path of  higher truth

leave  no trace of sadness in me 

to leave the world of mine: once loved and cared.

 O  the enlightened ones ! I seek your  blessings,
To show me the way towards your  path

Let the end of me be the best beginning of me.

Scolding is not Inspiring

People often mistake scolding as an ability  to change other person in people management. That is the greatest mistake  a person can ever make especially when other person is no more a kid. Instead, scolding creates repercussion  that may not be desirable as thought by the one scolding. 

I often wonder why people resort to scolding when there are many other means to solve the problems. Scolding generates negative energy among  people who are the victims. It agitates people and makes them repeat the same thing intentionally.

Does scolding solve problem? No, it does not instead  complicates the situation. It disheartens those people who need  support and and guidance. A scolding without any analysis of situation of  other person is a sheer blunder. A leader/Manager/Supervisor needs to understand this. Listening to people who lick your boots to please you  shows your inner values and principles.It portrays firmness in your decision-making and your leadership quality. Leader of such kind are not so wanted by many people except the boot lickers.    Scolding your subordinates is not a solution to any problem. Instead listen to them. Have patience to look from broader perspectives the  challenges you are face with regarding people management.

Life could not be any miserable than having to be in a place where your boss is listener to boot lickers and your voice is not at all considered. Leave alone considering your opinion, if it  is just rejected the moment you start to raise will be the worst experience for any person. 

 To inspire people is to encourage and influence their mind and soul . Scolding is  definitely not  an Inspiration. It is rather  something that stimulates nerves than  souls.